Understanding the Interpersonal Gap – Intent vs impact

Have you ever said something that was misunderstood, and no amount of clarification made it better?

We all use verbal and nonverbal cues to convey our thoughts, feelings, and intentions, but a lot of the time things get misinterpreted or lost in translation.

This can be due to differences in personal experiences, cultural backgrounds, language proficiency, and other factors.

This can lead to a gap between the intended meaning of a message and its actual interpretation.

Understanding this interpersonal gap between our intent, action, and impact can lead to better communication.

What is the interpersonal gap?

The interpersonal gap refers to what a person intends to communicate and what is actually understood or perceived by the other person (impact).

The model below describes the interpersonal communication process from the intent of Jeff as it passes through internal filters where it is decoded into an action. 

The Action (verbal and nonverbal behaviors) passes through Carol’s internal filters where it is decoded. The impact includes some form of thought (interpretations and judgments) that produces an emotion.

The “Interpersonal gap refers to the degree of congruence between one person’s intentions and the effect produced in the other.  If the effect is what was intended, the gap has been bridged.  If the effect is the opposite of what was intended, the gap has become greater.” – John Wallen

Understanding our intentions

Only we understand our intentions, but when our intentions become an action (public) we have to decide if the outcome was what we intended.

In the example below, we learn how an interpersonal gap can be created with intentions.

• Jeff’s intention: I want Carol to like me, but I don’t want her to know I like her.

• Jeff’s action: “You like painting? That’s cute. I used to do that when I was a kid, but I found it a bit boring. I prefer more active and adventurous hobbies like hiking or playing sports.”

A simple way to understand our intentions is to think about how they originated before the action.

Examples of intentions may include:

• I want her to like me
• I want him to listen to me
• I want him to know I’m hurt but I don’t want to feel embarrassed

Intentions are always personal and that’s why we can only guess the intentions of others.

Understanding our actions

The action is what we said or did. It can be the verbal or non-verbal cues of our intentions. The action is public and observable because anyone can see or hear it.

Examples of the action may include

• Stating, “You look great in that shirt”
• Waving
• Not speaking (the silence treatment)
• Shouting

Jeff’s action in this scenario is what he said to Carol.

Understanding the impact we have on others

The impact is how the action is perceived. This can elicit an emotion that can influence how we see them and cause us to put a label on them.

• Jeff’s action: “You like painting? That’s cute. I used to do that when I was a kid, but I found it a bit boring. I prefer more active and adventurous hobbies like hiking or playing sports.”
• Carol’s impact: Carol feels that Jeff is dismissive of her passions and assumes he is not interested in her.

This can lead to a gap between the intended meaning of a message and its actual interpretation.

Bridging the gap between intentions and impact

One way to bridge the gap between our intentions and impact is by

• Learning how to listen better by parroting and paraphrasing
• Developing a creator mindset
• Getting out of the box

Conflict can be positive or negative.  Positive conflict can be constructive and lead to peaceful outcomes.

We have positive conflict when we collaborate to find solutions and see others for who they are and their potential. To learn more about conflict transformation, check out the book below called dangerous love.

Key points

• Intentions and Impacts are Private and only known to persons A & B.      
• The Action is public.
• We only know people by our interpretations of their actions.
• Meanings are within people.  Meanings are not in words.  Our words are only translations of our intent (sometimes we get it wrong!).
• Because our judgments and interpretations come from our experiences, they say more about us than they do about the person we’re judging.

The Interpersonal Gap is fundamental to how we communicate with others.  The more we are aware of our intentions and how we are impacted by the actions of others, the more opportunity we have to choose what thoughts, feelings and wants we will communicate to improve clarity and understanding in the relationship.

The Interpersonal Gap is an Interpersonal Communication Model by John Wallen. See the references below for more information.

Reference:

Wallen, J. (1968). The Interpersonal Gap.  In Readings in communication skills. (2001).  Maple Valley, WA: School for Innovative Leadership. 

LIOS, The Leadership Institute of Seattle, founded by Bob Crosby in 1969